Reason Why

Perhaps, the reason why I choose to blog is because this tiny virtual space of mine is the only place where I can express myself without being afraid of judgments.

Whenever I am feeling down in person, I honestly have no idea who to go to as I am afraid of being too annoying and giving people the impression of me ranting too much. But most of the times, I had no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I need some time to draft my thoughts, I need some time to sit down and type everything out. I write, because I can.

As you can clearly see throughout my blog, I wrote mostly negative and depressing stuffs. It's not that I am generally an emotional person, it's just that I do not want people around me to see this vulnerable, broken side of me. I cannot see myself crying in the room or in the car even if I really had to. It's not that my friends suck in comforting me, telling me everything's going to be alright, it's just that I got to learn how to deal with my own issues. No one is going to be there for you at 3 am in the morning to tell you to cheer up and be strong. No one is going to be there for you when you thought of someone you missed and cried because they just can't relate.

"Why not write about happy stuffs?"

This question is what I always get from readers who has been following me since my previous blogs. Happiness to me, is temporary. Yes, I might be happy because I scored full As or oh I am happy because I bought a Louis Vuitton bag. After awhile, we just feel nothing at all. But sadness and damage, they are all permanent. You cannot possibly fix something that is already broken, can you?

After everything I've been through this year, I can't seem to be happy at all.

I start embracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every slightly-possible tragedy. But I can’t. I don’t want to tell myself ‘I told you so’ when it happens but that’s what I’m screaming at myself now. Internally I scream, that I never should’ve put myself in such a situation again, that I should’ve known better than to forget how much it could hurt, that this is a direct consequence of me breaking my own promise to myself to never let this happen again.

I've forgotten what it was like to be genuinely happy.