Blank Space

These days I haven't been sleeping well. When I am all alone in the middle of the night, I tend to undergo mood swings and sadness always gets the better side of me. I like to overthink and expect the worst as usual. Things were not that bad. I can’t help it. I don’t want to expect the worst but I am compelled to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it’ll be one of those moments that we’ll be laughing at a couple of months from now.

Whenever I am out with friends, no matter how contented I feel, there would still be a part of me which feels empty. It is like a blank space waiting to be filled, but it would never happen. Then there’s the part of me who wants it to work. Who allows me to believe that it just might work out. I start bracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every tragedy. Who knows maybe that blank space is meant to be vacant? Perhaps loneliness is a curse to my soul. If only I knew.

I am a nightmare dressed like a daydream. This is where my contradictions begin.

A Dream Seemed So Real

Perhaps, the most dreadful part of a relationship is not about breaking up, but the pain and memories which are left behind. I have tried so hard to pretend as if I was okay, I was just too numb to have feelings anymore. I told myself that I would be just fine without your presence, yea I was perfectly fine in the beginning if it was not studies which kept you off my mind. I refrained myself not to see even a single photo or post you shared, I thought that would help me. I was so stupid to even think that you would come back to me eventually. I was in pain.

I dreamt of you last night. 

It was pitch dark outside, rain poured heavily and the cold was unbearable. I was groggy and barely awake. I felt empty and alone. So I searched for you. Perhaps you were still working on your job outside. 

I found you sleeping on the couch and a sense of relief washed over me. I enjoyed watching you sleeping. As I was brushing my fingers through your silky smooth hair,  I asked myself, what did I do to deserve you? The longing in my heart to hug you was so overpowering and then I stopped.

You aren't mine anymore. You were bored and got over me when I was away. 

Part of me wanted to just communicate with you, hear your voice or touch you, even if you weren't real. But I couldn't. I was trapped in this loneliness and dread, but you did not give a damn. I ran back into our room, and realised this wasn't my room anymore. That isn't my bed. This wasn't the fucking bed we both slept in. Where the fuck did it go?

I woke up crying. Life goes on. 

I was never the clingy type. Why did you mould me into that just to break our promises and leave me after that? 

Deep inside me coiled is the need to know, are you cheating on me. 

Is Blogging Still A Thing Now?

Back when I was still in primary school, writing entries in blogs were a major hit thing back in the olden days. I love to read and that's for sure. When I have free time to spare, I could find myself reading new blog posts of some of my favourite bloggers. Quality blog posts would attract my attention rather than wasting my precious time reading irrelevant or misleading posts. Though hitherto, for sure there are passionate people who are still constantly blogging , writing their daily or maybe weekly happenings, sharing the bits of their lives to readers, but however, the number of these people are gradually decreasing over the years. So, is blogging still a thing now?

When I was in high school, I always looked up to some amazing local bloggers like Jane Chuck, Naomi Neo, Ashley and etc. Until now, I would still patronise their blogs when I am free or whenever I feel like doing so. I aspire to be like them, I want to be like them. I want to become an internet sensation that would attract millions of followers and readers. It is always a part of my dreams anyways. It is just me building castles in the air, fantasising the life of being a famous celeb. Dreams would just be dreams without really actualising them.

Well, I really have to admit the fact that I have nothing, like really zero things to be adored or liked about. I don't have a pretty face, I don't have a masculine figure, I don't have on fleek physiques, I am not even tall either. Don't remind me of plastic surgeries as I would not do any of those things for the time being, changing yourself just to be famous is a big no no to me. Perhaps, the only thing that I can do is to write interesting blog posts and take beautiful photos.

I am a strong believer that if you do something you love wholeheartedly, dreams would come true. So, am I really ready to embark on this strenuous journey?

Fall

There were certainly times when you felt like an useless piece of shit. I have constantly reminded myself to become a better person physically and mentally. When you saw your friends are getting way better than you, it just kills you to see yourself not having any improvements and you know, perhaps still being the incompetent you.

Figuring out my life. No achievement. Could barely even feed myself. Of course, part of me was actually feeling extremely envious of them. When come to think of it again, it's part of life-cycle - you need to learn to fall in order to learn to get back up. I'm not sure how long I will be falling, but I'm pretty sure when there's right time, I'll get back up in no time.

I just wanna be as successful as everybody else, that's all.

Damaged

You need to understand that I'm damaged. I get triggered easily. I have struggled with things. There are nights when I'm curled up on a ball on the floor and I won't talk to anyone. I'll shut you out. I'm not going to be able to trust you for a while, because everyone has always left, cheated or chosen someone else. I will need reassurance. I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I'll need you to care when I text you saying I'm getting bad again. I'm a lot, I know this.

So before you think I'm always happy, that I'll always be positive, that I'll always be smiling - know the reality before you get involved. Don't enter my life if you can't handle it. Lastly, don't you dare touch my heart if you aren't ready for that.

Hardest Decision To Make

When I was young, I have never ever thought that entering college would be such a hassle. All I ever thought was that I would be able to meet a bunch of new people and live my life for the rest of the years in university. This is especially so when your friends told you how amazing college life is and whatsoever shit. Well, I guess people have sugarcoated the whole college life experience and kept shits laid down under the carpet, especially tv commercials.

Now when I have finally graduated from high school, I have come to realise that growing up is nothing less than terrifying to me. I woke up to the wave of responsibility descending on me. First there were money issues. I am a fully-responsible adult who should take care of his family and himself, in which it had me zero into the matter of my daily expenses in correspondence to that of my hard-earned wages. It is absolutely impossible for me to ask my parents to money every time just because I have overspent my money, I am indeed trying my best to kick off this bad habit out of my life before it gets worse.

Then, I had to make the biggest decision in my life, I had to decide what should I pursue in college. I remembered vividly that I wanted to do engineering, electronic and electrical engineering to be exact.  However, the dream of pursuing in the field of sciences has eventually faded before it even gets to incubate. This is because I have no talent or interests in the science subjects after all. So, I have resorted to American Degree Transfer Program. When I have finally made my decisions clear, my parents somehow heard from god knows who said that studying ADP is a risky option. In the end, taking foundation course was the only choice for me. Despite having to go through a tough time, I still got to enter my dream university which was really amazing.

To the youngsters out there reading my blog, my advice to you is do not go to education fairs for too many times as it would only bring you problems but nothing else. Period. Besides, money is really everything in this cruel world, as the saying goes, money makes the mare goes, work really hard in order to receive scholarships because tertiary education ain't cheap. If your parents are filthy rich, you can just skip that part.

Haters Gonna Hate

Haters gonna hate, stop judging if you're not perfect, you are not going to stop me from doing the things which I love the most. I may not be the best,  at least I accept my flaws, never take one's flaws against them. If I treat you the way that you did, you would not like it.

A person like you can never change my life, nobody will change just because of you. I don't mind your judgments, in fact, they will just make me even stronger than who I was. Stop wasting your time doing unnecessary things, nobody forced you to read my blog, nobody forced you to accept the things I have said, nobody forced you to give a damn to whatever I have done, please get a life dude,  stop wasting your time on my blog and judging me.

You can take everything away from me, but I will never stop reaching my goals.

Lost

It's been awhile since I last blogged, nothing much to say lately. Sometimes I just feel like I'm lost in the journey of my life. So lost...

The journey in my life, is just as mysterious as the idea of living. Life is but a dream. There are things we have to deal with everyday and there certainly things we wanna run away everyday. It is just like how i am telling myself that all would just be fine if i really wanted to and it all comes down to all the little small details in life that really matters. There is just so much that I have missed. So much that I wished I could relive those moments. But I know, life is a journey, ain't a destination. So, where do I wanna go from here? 

The inner part of me is collapsing. I felt the pain urging in my heart. It's been too hard to hold back the pain, so like the cloud lets it fall like the rain.