The term long distance relationship frightens me and millions of memories begin to take shape in my mind again. Ever since the last breakup, I become so doubtful. I was so doubtful to love again because I was afraid that the same things would happen to me again and I have promised to myself that I would never ever let myself get hurt like that ever again. It is not the pain that i would have to endure after each breakup that scares me, it is the betrayal of my trust that scares me.
In the beginning of this year, I met a person who gave me hope and love. In the course of the relationship, I was truly happy and that was all i ever needed in life. I invested so much time, money and most importantly my feelings in this relationship because I knew it would be worth it. After each and every breakup in my life, I became less committed in relationship because I believed that they were all just temporary in my life. So, why bother to care so much after all? However, everything started to change right after I met N. It was a fairytale to me, to have such an amazing person in my life and I said to myself, okay Jason, this is it, the right one has appeared. We started dating and did what most couples would do, we spent the most of the days together and never apart. As days past by, I was so fond of him and the sense of clinginess grew inside me. A day without seeing N would kill me.
Soon, we had to bid goodbye and separated from each other right after N has successfully completed internship here. The feeling of insecurity stroke me and emotions came flushing in. Why can't I just have a perfect relationship for once? I asked. N promised to call me every night and text me everyday. Most importantly, N promised things would remain just the way it is and told me not to worry. We cried, we cuddled then it was time to say goodbye. I watched N walking further and further away from me and eventually disappeared from my sight. I was all alone again. I drove back home from the airport with tears dropping down my cheek. All these memories came flashing in my mind and I cried even harder. I booked an air ticket to fly over to see N. Yea, call me crazy but that is what you do for love. I flown twice to N and I felt even depressed each time I left.
In the third month, things started getting out of control. We argued more than we talked. I began checking, over checking and overthinking bout things that I should not be thinking about. I became a person who I despised of, a control freak. I was insecure because I started getting late replies and N even seen my messages as well as disappearing for hours. I freaked out. Each and every time I confronted N bout this matter, N would push me away. All i ever wanted was to solve things out and get things back to the way it should be. N kept running away from problems and eventually the gap between us started to emerge. We were once happy.
I spent countless nights crying and crying. I forgot what it was like to have a proper sleep. I broke down so badly I started missing classes just because I didn't really have the energy to study anymore. I spent so many hours staring at my phone hoping N would reply my text, but all I got was either some brief texts or just a seen. "What did i do wrong?" I asked myself over and over again I even screamed inside my car and burst into tears. Everyone around me told me to let go and that I would find a better one. The truth is, there is never a better one. I hate how madly in love I was with N, I just could not seem to let go. I just couldn't do it. Our relationship was on and off for a month and last that i checked, things were not any better.
At 3 am one night, I finally made myself clear that it was time to let go. I drafted everything I wanted to say in my mind and finally decided to put them into words. I sent to N knowing N would not care anyways but I still thought that N would eventually change and love me again. Little did I know, N is just a selfish bastard. I spent so much time to compose a long text but what I got was,
"Let's just end this, Jason."
My heart was shattered into a million pieces.
