Reason Why

Perhaps, the reason why I choose to blog is because this tiny virtual space of mine is the only place where I can express myself without being afraid of judgments.

Whenever I am feeling down in person, I honestly have no idea who to go to as I am afraid of being too annoying and giving people the impression of me ranting too much. But most of the times, I had no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I need some time to draft my thoughts, I need some time to sit down and type everything out. I write, because I can.

As you can clearly see throughout my blog, I wrote mostly negative and depressing stuffs. It's not that I am generally an emotional person, it's just that I do not want people around me to see this vulnerable, broken side of me. I cannot see myself crying in the room or in the car even if I really had to. It's not that my friends suck in comforting me, telling me everything's going to be alright, it's just that I got to learn how to deal with my own issues. No one is going to be there for you at 3 am in the morning to tell you to cheer up and be strong. No one is going to be there for you when you thought of someone you missed and cried because they just can't relate.

"Why not write about happy stuffs?"

This question is what I always get from readers who has been following me since my previous blogs. Happiness to me, is temporary. Yes, I might be happy because I scored full As or oh I am happy because I bought a Louis Vuitton bag. After awhile, we just feel nothing at all. But sadness and damage, they are all permanent. You cannot possibly fix something that is already broken, can you?

After everything I've been through this year, I can't seem to be happy at all.

I start embracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every slightly-possible tragedy. But I can’t. I don’t want to tell myself ‘I told you so’ when it happens but that’s what I’m screaming at myself now. Internally I scream, that I never should’ve put myself in such a situation again, that I should’ve known better than to forget how much it could hurt, that this is a direct consequence of me breaking my own promise to myself to never let this happen again.

I've forgotten what it was like to be genuinely happy.

I Miss You

Hey, I know we haven't see each other or even talked to each other in awhile, but i want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that I miss you. I regret what has happened and I want to see you again.

It's so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me. Sometimes I can go entire days without thinking about you. But most of the time, I let myself forget because it's easier...

But then I found something, like a photo, a gift, and the stupid love messages we used to send each other, the full weight of what has been lost crashes down on me. Certainly, part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again, but all those feelings become empty thoughts.

When I look back now, remembering that love isn't always what it seems, it's just so easy to forget.

But this isn't regret. We had reasons for ending it and yours are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn't need any reasons to fall in love. We just did.

I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope you have found a love, that's all the things that ours couldn't be. But, just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons and that you miss me too.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

I miss you, a lot.

Vulnerable

It's that time of the year again, feeling extremely vulnerable and everything seems to trigger my emotions easily. 

This is when I came to realise the world stopped caring.

Everyone has their own things, their own commitments, their own schedules. The friend I thought cared the most seemed just so distant now. Plans after plans, I guess bailing on somebody is really a thing now. With the question answered with another question, what do you do when the person you approach when something goes wrong just stops caring? 

Exactly, the world feels like it stops spinning. 

I want to be left alone but a part of me doesn't want to be if that makes sense. That's where the contradictions begin.

The walls are crashing down on me, I'm reaching out for help and all I see is just people turning away or against me.

I wouldn't mind leaving the world, and never coming back. I really wouldn't, since everyone doesn't give a damn shit about everyone anyways. 

So, tell me, am I being overly emotional or am I just brave enough to deal with my own shit when everyone just seems to runaway from it?

I Suck

The more I argue with you, the less attracted I am towards this relationship.

The more I thought about it, the more I find myself incapable of being in a relationship.

I suck generally, I really do.

I dont deserve love as much as I thought.