Betrayal

Have you ever imagined how would you feel like when one of your closest friends told you that you were unplanned in his life? Like literally, you were not deemed that important to him, in other words, you were replaceable. Yes, it felt like the world came crashing down on you all at once. The sense of disappointment is hysterical.

I was literally at the verge of breaking down after all sorts of sadness hit me like a roller coaster ride. The monstrosity is real.

As I lay here on my bed, still half-inebriated from whatever I drank earlier in the night, I only wish the pain would subside as my tipsiness eventually would. But as I get less drunk, I get more intoxicated by the sadness of reality.

You wanted me as someone who you could count on whenever you needed me. You wanted me as someone who would be there for you when you were sad and depressed from all the shit that has happened in your life. You wanted me as a friend who was special to you but no one else. But, who was I really to you? A puppet? Someone who was replaceable?

There were times when I felt like I was nothing to you. I gave the world to you but all I ever gotten was the shadow of your back walking away from me with the friends who you deemed fun and important to you. I took you as my best friend back in the days when I trusted no one but you. Yes, you were my pillar of support when I needed you, but little did I know that you were only supporting me for the sake of being nice and kind to me. Like how you did for everyone else. Little did I know that I was going to be forgotten after high school ended and I would be nothing but a stranger to you. So, what exactly is friendship. Would your friends reciprocate to what you have done for them?

You told me the things stated above in a hilarious manner. What exactly is it that makes you think that it is funny?  I hated you for walking away from me and you had a massive response to this. So, what should I feel when you told me that I was not your best buddy but you on the other hand were mine?

Although we are still fond of each other till now, the sense of betrayal is still there. I can be forgiving, but the scars left behind, will always be there deep in my heart.

Goodbye

Of course, I'm here because I am sad. 

The fact that I am hurt all over again right after I have finally recovered from the past relationship, is just devastating. As I lay here on my bed, still half-inebriated from whatever I drank earlier in the night, I only wish the pain would subside as my tipsiness eventually would. But as I get less drunk, I get more intoxicated by the sadness of reality. 

It's been an amazing, fruitful journey with you in the past few months. I can never imagine how lucky I was to have found you in life when I was still suffering. You were there for me every time when I needed you, you were there to listen to every single lame shit I was willing to share. The truth is, I always felt that I was never good enough for you. From mentality to financial wise, I am not capable of giving what I was supposed to provide to you. With the trauma of past relationship, I certainly do not have a stable mentality to handle every argument we had. I am vulnerable and weak. I give up way too easily even if I know I shouldn't. My insecurity always gets the best of me and eventually leads to great repercussions. My insecurity accidentally makes me a bitch. It accidentally causes me to hurt the people closest to me. 

In the course of our relationship, we never agree upon each other's opinions. We never compromise with each other's flaws and needless to say of embracing them. We were never on the same page to even begin with. Every time an argument spiked up, I strongly protested against my perspective and points, so did you. I admit I do have a strong sense of ego, I hardly apologise when I knew I was wrong. When you confronted me with this issue, I acknowledged the momentousness of my behaviour in causing discomfort in you. I was changing slowly but surely, all I wanted was you to feel happy. In the past relationships, it has always been me dominating and I would never compromise. I was selfish, I was self-centred. You said I never listen to the things you said, but I did. I am that type of guy who doesn't really show much of his emotions, especially to love ones. This is why I lost the one whom I loved the most. 

Feelings faded gradually after each and every argument we had, huh? I am truly surprised to see your immediate reaction of downloading social dating apps before we have even officially ended our relationship. The question is, are you really that eager of starting a new relationship with someone else? Well, I tried to make you stay but you insisted of leaving, you made the choice of leaving for the first and the last time, I respect that. You are free from me now. I wish nothing but the best for you. 

I guess it's gonna be a lonely Christmas for me this year. 

Changed

The worst part of your 20s is realizing that the people you thought you had a lifelong bond with aren’t all going to stick around. Some of them will fade out of your life slowly, the hangout sessions and texts gradually lessening over time. And some of them will be gone in a heartbeat after a brutal fight, after you exchange hurtful words that you never realized you meant.

After months of healing, I am proud to say that I have fully recovered from the excruciating pain which I have once endured. I have come to the point of realisation that just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean you are meant to stay in each other’s lives. However, they might not be the one to walk away. You might be the one to end things after they show you a side that you never wanted to see, a side that you never knew existed. Anyone can let you down. Despite all the good things they have done for you, anyone can hurt you. I have tried to forgive and forget, but how am I supposed to forgive a terrible mistake and let this monstrosity continue to grow deep inside of you. The damage is done and all I could think of is how much I hate you. 

So, what is forever? With all the people whom you once called best friends slowly distant away from you, promises you once exchanged with them fading into thin air, why bother to meet new people? People whom you trusted turning against you, can I ever trust someone again? Nothing is eternal. Things changed, people changed. Some relationships can never be fixed. 

I am okay without you. I am mature enough to hope that you are doing okay, too. 

Nostalgia

As the saying goes, distance makes the heart goes fonder. Here I am, currently sitting in a plane, pondering a person who I dearly miss. I guess it's absolutely true that nothing is fair in this world. When you thought things would go well but they never really do anyways.

It has been almost 3 months since you and I have been together. It feels like as if it was just yesterday when I first saw your face. I was devastated to find out that you would be leaving soon shortly after we were together. I told myself that maybe, just maybe this is another challenge set for me to tackle on. Long distance relationship huh? Well, been there done that but things were just never right. The main reason is because of my insecurity and doubtfulness? I don't know.

The more memories we have create, the more dreadful it is for me to endure. Every step I take, every breath I take, reminds me of you. With you by my side, everything is just so calming. I have been waiting for a lifetime to meet the right one. Like seriously, why can't I just have a perfect relationship just for once?

I guess you would never know until you have experienced it yourself. In my circle of friends, some power couples made their relationships seem so effortlessly perfect, but who knows how much pain you would have to endure just to set foot on a stable relationship? Surprisingly, every part of me hopes my current relationship would last forever, or maybe long enough for us to love each other till the very end. Commitments were never my kind of thing, but for you, I am willing to commit and shower you with all my love.

Hold on just yet. 

Yeap, this was a draft I wrote 6 months ago and I have just found it in my notes. What a pleasant surprise. I felt emotionally heavy, like all the excess baggage I left at the some airport of emotions finally caught up with me. 

I want to break free. I want to live again.

Is it too much to ask for?

Reason Why

Perhaps, the reason why I choose to blog is because this tiny virtual space of mine is the only place where I can express myself without being afraid of judgments.

Whenever I am feeling down in person, I honestly have no idea who to go to as I am afraid of being too annoying and giving people the impression of me ranting too much. But most of the times, I had no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I need some time to draft my thoughts, I need some time to sit down and type everything out. I write, because I can.

As you can clearly see throughout my blog, I wrote mostly negative and depressing stuffs. It's not that I am generally an emotional person, it's just that I do not want people around me to see this vulnerable, broken side of me. I cannot see myself crying in the room or in the car even if I really had to. It's not that my friends suck in comforting me, telling me everything's going to be alright, it's just that I got to learn how to deal with my own issues. No one is going to be there for you at 3 am in the morning to tell you to cheer up and be strong. No one is going to be there for you when you thought of someone you missed and cried because they just can't relate.

"Why not write about happy stuffs?"

This question is what I always get from readers who has been following me since my previous blogs. Happiness to me, is temporary. Yes, I might be happy because I scored full As or oh I am happy because I bought a Louis Vuitton bag. After awhile, we just feel nothing at all. But sadness and damage, they are all permanent. You cannot possibly fix something that is already broken, can you?

After everything I've been through this year, I can't seem to be happy at all.

I start embracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every slightly-possible tragedy. But I can’t. I don’t want to tell myself ‘I told you so’ when it happens but that’s what I’m screaming at myself now. Internally I scream, that I never should’ve put myself in such a situation again, that I should’ve known better than to forget how much it could hurt, that this is a direct consequence of me breaking my own promise to myself to never let this happen again.

I've forgotten what it was like to be genuinely happy.

I Miss You

Hey, I know we haven't see each other or even talked to each other in awhile, but i want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that I miss you. I regret what has happened and I want to see you again.

It's so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me. Sometimes I can go entire days without thinking about you. But most of the time, I let myself forget because it's easier...

But then I found something, like a photo, a gift, and the stupid love messages we used to send each other, the full weight of what has been lost crashes down on me. Certainly, part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again, but all those feelings become empty thoughts.

When I look back now, remembering that love isn't always what it seems, it's just so easy to forget.

But this isn't regret. We had reasons for ending it and yours are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn't need any reasons to fall in love. We just did.

I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope you have found a love, that's all the things that ours couldn't be. But, just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons and that you miss me too.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

I miss you, a lot.

Vulnerable

It's that time of the year again, feeling extremely vulnerable and everything seems to trigger my emotions easily. 

This is when I came to realise the world stopped caring.

Everyone has their own things, their own commitments, their own schedules. The friend I thought cared the most seemed just so distant now. Plans after plans, I guess bailing on somebody is really a thing now. With the question answered with another question, what do you do when the person you approach when something goes wrong just stops caring? 

Exactly, the world feels like it stops spinning. 

I want to be left alone but a part of me doesn't want to be if that makes sense. That's where the contradictions begin.

The walls are crashing down on me, I'm reaching out for help and all I see is just people turning away or against me.

I wouldn't mind leaving the world, and never coming back. I really wouldn't, since everyone doesn't give a damn shit about everyone anyways. 

So, tell me, am I being overly emotional or am I just brave enough to deal with my own shit when everyone just seems to runaway from it?