I Don't Hate You

You are the trigger that reignites an enmity of adoration and abhorrence in the very fibres of my being.

I don't hate you, on the contrary; it is easier to be angry than to admit I am broken.

The state I am in is one of careless mend, a whole made out of pieces, a volatile kind of stable, a looming sort of combustion that threatens to explode at our every almost-touch.

I don't hate you, N.

Emptiness

I woke up every morning with a sense of emptiness. I can't help but keep scrolling and checking your profile on Instagram and any other places that have information bout you. I can't help but tears keep streaming down my face every time I look at your photos. I can't help but keep thinking bout the memories we once had together.

So, what happened?

A week ago I saw you officially together with another person. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe, I was devastated. You promised me that you would not be in a relationship anytime soon but look where did your promises get you to. The things you said to me just didn't seem to add up. I can't help but to think is it really my fault, is it because of my incompetence that has driven you away? 

When I am alone, I will rewind all the things you said over and over again. You told me you wanted to stay low profile, I did what I could to make you happy, I remain hidden in your life. I did the best that I could to not interfere your social life. You told me you would tell anyone that you were single, so what was the point of being together? Is that your definition of low profile? 

I spent most of the nights thinking bout you. I couldn't help myself but to text you how much I missed you. Yet, you seen my text. 

Sometimes I wonder, is it because of him, you left me?

We Were Once Happy

The term long distance relationship frightens me and millions of memories begin to take shape in my mind again. Ever since the last breakup, I become so doubtful. I was so doubtful to love again because I was afraid that the same things would happen to me again and I have promised to myself that I would never ever let myself get hurt like that ever again. It is not the pain that i would have to endure after each breakup that scares me, it is the betrayal of my trust that scares me.

In the beginning of this year, I met a person who gave me hope and love. In the course of the relationship, I was truly happy and that was all i ever needed in life. I invested so much time, money and most importantly my feelings in this relationship because I knew it would be worth it. After each and every breakup in my life, I became less committed in relationship because I believed that they were all just temporary in my life. So, why bother to care so much after all? However, everything started to change right after I met N. It was a fairytale to me, to have such an amazing person in my life and I said to myself, okay Jason, this is it, the right one has appeared. We started dating and did what most couples would do, we spent the most of the days together and never apart. As days past by, I was so fond of him and the sense of clinginess grew inside me. A day without seeing N would kill me. 

Soon, we had to bid goodbye and separated from each other right after N has successfully completed internship here. The feeling of insecurity stroke me and emotions came flushing in. Why can't I just have a perfect relationship for once? I asked. N promised to call me every night and text me everyday. Most importantly, N promised things would remain just the way it is and told me not to worry. We cried, we cuddled then it was time to say goodbye. I watched N walking further and further away from me and eventually disappeared from my sight. I was all alone again. I drove back home from the airport with tears dropping down my cheek. All these memories came flashing in my mind and I cried even harder. I booked an air ticket to fly over to see N. Yea, call me crazy but that is what you do for love. I flown twice to N and I felt even depressed each time I left. 

In the third month, things started getting out of control. We argued more than we talked. I began checking, over checking and overthinking bout things that I should not be thinking about. I became a person who I despised of, a control freak. I was insecure because I started getting late replies and N even seen my messages as well as disappearing for hours. I freaked out. Each and every time I confronted N bout this matter, N would push me away. All i ever wanted was to solve things out and get things back to the way it should be. N kept running away from problems and eventually the gap between us started to emerge. We were once happy. 

I spent countless nights crying and crying. I forgot what it was like to have a proper sleep. I broke down so badly I started missing classes just because I didn't really have the energy to study anymore. I spent so many hours staring at my phone hoping N would reply my text, but all I got was either some brief texts or just a seen. "What did i do wrong?" I asked myself over and over again I even screamed inside my car and burst into tears. Everyone around me told me to let go and that I would find a better one. The truth is, there is never a better one. I hate how madly in love I was with N, I just could not seem to let go. I just couldn't do it. Our relationship was on and off for a month and last that i checked, things were not any better. 

At 3 am one night, I finally made myself clear that it was time to let go. I drafted everything I wanted to say in my mind and finally decided to put them into words. I sent to N knowing N would not care anyways but I still thought that N would eventually change and love me again. Little did I know, N is just a selfish bastard. I spent so much time to compose a long text but what I got was,

"Let's just end this, Jason."

My heart was shattered into a million pieces.

Life Update

After a couple of months of searching, I have finally settled down with someone I believe would bring me joy and laughter. Everything's still fresh and new to us so I hope things would turn out just the way I hope they would be.

Please be right this time.

2017

I am tired of trying to make things work. I am tired of being the only one who tried so damn hard to keep things together. I am tired to love and I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Why did you cheat on me?

Blank Space

These days I haven't been sleeping well. When I am all alone in the middle of the night, I tend to undergo mood swings and sadness always gets the better side of me. I like to overthink and expect the worst as usual. Things were not that bad. I can’t help it. I don’t want to expect the worst but I am compelled to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it’ll be one of those moments that we’ll be laughing at a couple of months from now.

Whenever I am out with friends, no matter how contented I feel, there would still be a part of me which feels empty. It is like a blank space waiting to be filled, but it would never happen. Then there’s the part of me who wants it to work. Who allows me to believe that it just might work out. I start bracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every tragedy. Who knows maybe that blank space is meant to be vacant? Perhaps loneliness is a curse to my soul. If only I knew.

I am a nightmare dressed like a daydream. This is where my contradictions begin.

A Dream Seemed So Real

Perhaps, the most dreadful part of a relationship is not about breaking up, but the pain and memories which are left behind. I have tried so hard to pretend as if I was okay, I was just too numb to have feelings anymore. I told myself that I would be just fine without your presence, yea I was perfectly fine in the beginning if it was not studies which kept you off my mind. I refrained myself not to see even a single photo or post you shared, I thought that would help me. I was so stupid to even think that you would come back to me eventually. I was in pain.

I dreamt of you last night. 

It was pitch dark outside, rain poured heavily and the cold was unbearable. I was groggy and barely awake. I felt empty and alone. So I searched for you. Perhaps you were still working on your job outside. 

I found you sleeping on the couch and a sense of relief washed over me. I enjoyed watching you sleeping. As I was brushing my fingers through your silky smooth hair,  I asked myself, what did I do to deserve you? The longing in my heart to hug you was so overpowering and then I stopped.

You aren't mine anymore. You were bored and got over me when I was away. 

Part of me wanted to just communicate with you, hear your voice or touch you, even if you weren't real. But I couldn't. I was trapped in this loneliness and dread, but you did not give a damn. I ran back into our room, and realised this wasn't my room anymore. That isn't my bed. This wasn't the fucking bed we both slept in. Where the fuck did it go?

I woke up crying. Life goes on. 

I was never the clingy type. Why did you mould me into that just to break our promises and leave me after that? 

Deep inside me coiled is the need to know, are you cheating on me.