A Year

Just when you thought everything is over, apparently it is not, at least to me.

It has been a year. It has been a fucking year since we stopped talking. Yes, you may question, why are we still dwelling on this same old topic over and over again. See, the thing is, some days I would feel normal, as if I have set myself apart from all the things. But most of the days, every single memory I had with you, shuts me out. I tried to seek for the same feeling, the same kind of love that you have given me. Turns out, it was nothing but a disaster, simply adding salt to the wounds. This story goes on for a year now, I can no longer turn to my friends and seek for enlightenments simply because they are all bored of this, bored of me. Well, I cannot blame them, how much can other people really help you anyways? 

Truth is, sometimes I hate you so much for giving up on this relationship so easily. Sometimes I just miss you so much that every single breathe I take, it hurts me. It all started again when I found out one of my friends followed you on Instagram. Not to mention, I allegedly confronted my friend shortly after this discovery. My heart ached, because I know that you were on tinder again. You were on the hunt for someone new again, or maybe for what I think it was. The idea of you flirting and hitting on someone else, haunts me. It should have been me, it should have been me who you were holding hands with. Am I not any better than anyone you found on Tinder? Or is it because I was never good enough for you? From the day we decided to break up, I should have hated you for doing that, I should have hated you for betraying me. I should have hated you for flirting with other people behind my back while I was in KL and claimed yourself to be single at that time. I should have hated you. But I did not. No matter how terrible you were, all I could ever think of was the good memories we had, all the places we have been. All these good things I had about you just allegedly made their way into my mind as if they were there to make me fall for you all over again. Was I hallucinating? 

You made me believe that you have thought about me, at least once in awhile I supposed. Why did you leave an anonymous note which was obviously you who wrote it, on my Sarahah? Why did you apologise when you could come back to me? I did the same thing on your Sarahah too. I left an anonymous note telling you that I was sorry about what happened too and how much I wanted you back to my side. The fact that you have locked your accounts to private mode, makes me want to see what is inside even more. I wished you would know how much tears I have shed for you. 

It is officially a year now. I remember vividly that same date today last year, I sent all your things back to you and that was it. I have no longer seen or heard from you anymore ever since. 

How long does it take to let go? 

Alive, But Barely Breathing

I guess most of the people around me are anticipating to read my story here, again. So, here I am, not doing any better deep inside my heart but at least I am happy on the outside now. 

It has been almost a month since we have parted our separate ways. Perhaps, you have made it absolutely clear that there are no chances left for us and this is the way it should be. After months of trying to work things out, I just couldn't accept or believe this is how our story actually ends. Yes, there were lots and lots of arguments going on in the course of our relationship but after each time of fighting against each other, it somehow just reminded me of how much I wanted you to stay. Though hitherto, things are slowly fading away somehow, I can still feel the ache in my heart and the thought of your departure is just excruciating. 

In Jason's dictionary, Long Distance Relationship means pain. Do not get me started explaining how terrible a LDR could turn out to be. If you could not afford to bear with the pain, or even if you think you can pull it through, just don't honey, there is only approximately 3% success rate in my circle of friends, so do not even bother trying. 

A lot of people are telling me to move on and you know, meet someone new and get together eventually. I have to be honest with you, I have reached the stage where I am just too sluggish to even get out there and mingle around anymore, like I just do not have the energy and passion to do it anymore. I am that kind of person who wants to settle down with a constant group of people, and not to mention, a partner. I love doing things with the same person day after day, I am just lazy in that way. I have always searched high and low for the person who has the same mindset as I do, but to no avail. You see, people come and go in my life too often, I do not have the courage to put myself out there and get hurt anymore. I may sound weak and vulnerable, you should sit down and listen to what I have been through, especially in the recent years. 

I have fallen for someone who I have not met before. It sounds insane, I am not sure either. J was there when I in my darkest times and J somehow at the right time, caught my heart. The same love saga happened all over again, and there I was sitting by the phone waiting patiently for the messages to arrive. When J asked if she could call me on a Saturday morning to talk, I was in cloud nine! Things happened smoothly, though she is still recovering from her recent broke up. Where would life take us? I have no idea. 

Life is full of uncertainties. You would end up at a crossroad somewhere in life, where you have to make your hardest decisions, that is when you know you are becoming an adult. 

Too Good At Goodbyes

Have you ever dated someone and thought to yourself, “Should I leave or should I stay?” This sucks because most of the time, we are extremely indecisive and make the incorrect decision. We stay too long in toxic relationships, or we give up too fast on an amazing person. After we do this, we are upset with ourselves because we wish we could have seen the future and made an accurate decision.

See, the thing is that I am the type of person who gives up so easily in terms of everything. I do not see the point of sticking around people who certainly do not worth my time, my dedications and most importantly, my love. Trust me, when you have been hurt so deeply to the extent of losing yourself, this is what you would experience, at least for a period of time. I used to be the guy who doesn't give a damn thing to almost everything. I used to mess around with people's feelings and honey, I certainly did not think twice about what I said. Yes, I was a jerk. I could walk away from every heartbreak so easily with no hard feelings that I was impressed by myself.

Right after I met you, everything has drastically changed.

Yes, I still have the issue of ending relationships promptly without holding back. However, you certainly have changed my point of view. You made me stayed. "I think we are not suitable for each other and I absolutely think that we should go on our separate ways." I blurted out this every time when we had an argument, clearly I did not think twice and I have hurt your feelings for countless times. I said it with the thought of you never leaving me because I assumed you would stay no matter what. I took your feelings to me for granted. You warned me not to say it over and over again but I never listen. You said to me that you would eventually choose to leave when you really have had enough of my bullshits. I have challenged your limits and pushed boundaries till the very end.

"I guess you are right, we are not suitable for each other and I have had enough of you and we are over."

At that moment, my mind was empty and I did not know what to respond. I did not see it coming. I regretted everything I have done to you, everything I have ever said to you. I was wrong. I begged you to stay. "I'm sorry, please don't go, I didn't mean it of breaking up with you. Please, stay for me. Please..." But you said no to me. The thought of losing you permanently haunts me and I have no idea what to do with my life, especially when I have completely rejected everyone who was after me. It is not that I constantly want to be in a relationship, it is just that I am so used to having you in my life and right now you have completely withdrawn yourself from it is just excruciating. I asked for it, and this is what i deserved, not going to complain but I honestly just hate myself.

"Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true
I'm way too good at goodbyes."

Lesson learnt, do not hurt your love one by asking for a break up every damn time. 

Please come back, please.

Betrayal

Have you ever imagined how would you feel like when one of your closest friends told you that you were unplanned in his life? Like literally, you were not deemed that important to him, in other words, you were replaceable. Yes, it felt like the world came crashing down on you all at once. The sense of disappointment is hysterical.

I was literally at the verge of breaking down after all sorts of sadness hit me like a roller coaster ride. The monstrosity is real.

As I lay here on my bed, still half-inebriated from whatever I drank earlier in the night, I only wish the pain would subside as my tipsiness eventually would. But as I get less drunk, I get more intoxicated by the sadness of reality.

You wanted me as someone who you could count on whenever you needed me. You wanted me as someone who would be there for you when you were sad and depressed from all the shit that has happened in your life. You wanted me as a friend who was special to you but no one else. But, who was I really to you? A puppet? Someone who was replaceable?

There were times when I felt like I was nothing to you. I gave the world to you but all I ever gotten was the shadow of your back walking away from me with the friends who you deemed fun and important to you. I took you as my best friend back in the days when I trusted no one but you. Yes, you were my pillar of support when I needed you, but little did I know that you were only supporting me for the sake of being nice and kind to me. Like how you did for everyone else. Little did I know that I was going to be forgotten after high school ended and I would be nothing but a stranger to you. So, what exactly is friendship. Would your friends reciprocate to what you have done for them?

You told me the things stated above in a hilarious manner. What exactly is it that makes you think that it is funny?  I hated you for walking away from me and you had a massive response to this. So, what should I feel when you told me that I was not your best buddy but you on the other hand were mine?

Although we are still fond of each other till now, the sense of betrayal is still there. I can be forgiving, but the scars left behind, will always be there deep in my heart.

Goodbye

Of course, I'm here because I am sad. 

The fact that I am hurt all over again right after I have finally recovered from the past relationship, is just devastating. As I lay here on my bed, still half-inebriated from whatever I drank earlier in the night, I only wish the pain would subside as my tipsiness eventually would. But as I get less drunk, I get more intoxicated by the sadness of reality. 

It's been an amazing, fruitful journey with you in the past few months. I can never imagine how lucky I was to have found you in life when I was still suffering. You were there for me every time when I needed you, you were there to listen to every single lame shit I was willing to share. The truth is, I always felt that I was never good enough for you. From mentality to financial wise, I am not capable of giving what I was supposed to provide to you. With the trauma of past relationship, I certainly do not have a stable mentality to handle every argument we had. I am vulnerable and weak. I give up way too easily even if I know I shouldn't. My insecurity always gets the best of me and eventually leads to great repercussions. My insecurity accidentally makes me a bitch. It accidentally causes me to hurt the people closest to me. 

In the course of our relationship, we never agree upon each other's opinions. We never compromise with each other's flaws and needless to say of embracing them. We were never on the same page to even begin with. Every time an argument spiked up, I strongly protested against my perspective and points, so did you. I admit I do have a strong sense of ego, I hardly apologise when I knew I was wrong. When you confronted me with this issue, I acknowledged the momentousness of my behaviour in causing discomfort in you. I was changing slowly but surely, all I wanted was you to feel happy. In the past relationships, it has always been me dominating and I would never compromise. I was selfish, I was self-centred. You said I never listen to the things you said, but I did. I am that type of guy who doesn't really show much of his emotions, especially to love ones. This is why I lost the one whom I loved the most. 

Feelings faded gradually after each and every argument we had, huh? I am truly surprised to see your immediate reaction of downloading social dating apps before we have even officially ended our relationship. The question is, are you really that eager of starting a new relationship with someone else? Well, I tried to make you stay but you insisted of leaving, you made the choice of leaving for the first and the last time, I respect that. You are free from me now. I wish nothing but the best for you. 

I guess it's gonna be a lonely Christmas for me this year. 

Changed

The worst part of your 20s is realizing that the people you thought you had a lifelong bond with aren’t all going to stick around. Some of them will fade out of your life slowly, the hangout sessions and texts gradually lessening over time. And some of them will be gone in a heartbeat after a brutal fight, after you exchange hurtful words that you never realized you meant.

After months of healing, I am proud to say that I have fully recovered from the excruciating pain which I have once endured. I have come to the point of realisation that just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean you are meant to stay in each other’s lives. However, they might not be the one to walk away. You might be the one to end things after they show you a side that you never wanted to see, a side that you never knew existed. Anyone can let you down. Despite all the good things they have done for you, anyone can hurt you. I have tried to forgive and forget, but how am I supposed to forgive a terrible mistake and let this monstrosity continue to grow deep inside of you. The damage is done and all I could think of is how much I hate you. 

So, what is forever? With all the people whom you once called best friends slowly distant away from you, promises you once exchanged with them fading into thin air, why bother to meet new people? People whom you trusted turning against you, can I ever trust someone again? Nothing is eternal. Things changed, people changed. Some relationships can never be fixed. 

I am okay without you. I am mature enough to hope that you are doing okay, too. 

Nostalgia

As the saying goes, distance makes the heart goes fonder. Here I am, currently sitting in a plane, pondering a person who I dearly miss. I guess it's absolutely true that nothing is fair in this world. When you thought things would go well but they never really do anyways.

It has been almost 3 months since you and I have been together. It feels like as if it was just yesterday when I first saw your face. I was devastated to find out that you would be leaving soon shortly after we were together. I told myself that maybe, just maybe this is another challenge set for me to tackle on. Long distance relationship huh? Well, been there done that but things were just never right. The main reason is because of my insecurity and doubtfulness? I don't know.

The more memories we have create, the more dreadful it is for me to endure. Every step I take, every breath I take, reminds me of you. With you by my side, everything is just so calming. I have been waiting for a lifetime to meet the right one. Like seriously, why can't I just have a perfect relationship just for once?

I guess you would never know until you have experienced it yourself. In my circle of friends, some power couples made their relationships seem so effortlessly perfect, but who knows how much pain you would have to endure just to set foot on a stable relationship? Surprisingly, every part of me hopes my current relationship would last forever, or maybe long enough for us to love each other till the very end. Commitments were never my kind of thing, but for you, I am willing to commit and shower you with all my love.

Hold on just yet. 

Yeap, this was a draft I wrote 6 months ago and I have just found it in my notes. What a pleasant surprise. I felt emotionally heavy, like all the excess baggage I left at the some airport of emotions finally caught up with me. 

I want to break free. I want to live again.

Is it too much to ask for?