Reason Why

Perhaps, the reason why I choose to blog is because this tiny virtual space of mine is the only place where I can express myself without being afraid of judgments.

Whenever I am feeling down in person, I honestly have no idea who to go to as I am afraid of being too annoying and giving people the impression of me ranting too much. But most of the times, I had no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I need some time to draft my thoughts, I need some time to sit down and type everything out. I write, because I can.

As you can clearly see throughout my blog, I wrote mostly negative and depressing stuffs. It's not that I am generally an emotional person, it's just that I do not want people around me to see this vulnerable, broken side of me. I cannot see myself crying in the room or in the car even if I really had to. It's not that my friends suck in comforting me, telling me everything's going to be alright, it's just that I got to learn how to deal with my own issues. No one is going to be there for you at 3 am in the morning to tell you to cheer up and be strong. No one is going to be there for you when you thought of someone you missed and cried because they just can't relate.

"Why not write about happy stuffs?"

This question is what I always get from readers who has been following me since my previous blogs. Happiness to me, is temporary. Yes, I might be happy because I scored full As or oh I am happy because I bought a Louis Vuitton bag. After awhile, we just feel nothing at all. But sadness and damage, they are all permanent. You cannot possibly fix something that is already broken, can you?

After everything I've been through this year, I can't seem to be happy at all.

I start embracing myself for catastrophe and then telling myself to relax, you can’t prepare for every slightly-possible tragedy. But I can’t. I don’t want to tell myself ‘I told you so’ when it happens but that’s what I’m screaming at myself now. Internally I scream, that I never should’ve put myself in such a situation again, that I should’ve known better than to forget how much it could hurt, that this is a direct consequence of me breaking my own promise to myself to never let this happen again.

I've forgotten what it was like to be genuinely happy.

I Miss You

Hey, I know we haven't see each other or even talked to each other in awhile, but i want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that I miss you. I regret what has happened and I want to see you again.

It's so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me. Sometimes I can go entire days without thinking about you. But most of the time, I let myself forget because it's easier...

But then I found something, like a photo, a gift, and the stupid love messages we used to send each other, the full weight of what has been lost crashes down on me. Certainly, part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again, but all those feelings become empty thoughts.

When I look back now, remembering that love isn't always what it seems, it's just so easy to forget.

But this isn't regret. We had reasons for ending it and yours are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn't need any reasons to fall in love. We just did.

I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope you have found a love, that's all the things that ours couldn't be. But, just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons and that you miss me too.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

I miss you, a lot.

Vulnerable

It's that time of the year again, feeling extremely vulnerable and everything seems to trigger my emotions easily. 

This is when I came to realise the world stopped caring.

Everyone has their own things, their own commitments, their own schedules. The friend I thought cared the most seemed just so distant now. Plans after plans, I guess bailing on somebody is really a thing now. With the question answered with another question, what do you do when the person you approach when something goes wrong just stops caring? 

Exactly, the world feels like it stops spinning. 

I want to be left alone but a part of me doesn't want to be if that makes sense. That's where the contradictions begin.

The walls are crashing down on me, I'm reaching out for help and all I see is just people turning away or against me.

I wouldn't mind leaving the world, and never coming back. I really wouldn't, since everyone doesn't give a damn shit about everyone anyways. 

So, tell me, am I being overly emotional or am I just brave enough to deal with my own shit when everyone just seems to runaway from it?

I Suck

The more I argue with you, the less attracted I am towards this relationship.

The more I thought about it, the more I find myself incapable of being in a relationship.

I suck generally, I really do.

I dont deserve love as much as I thought.

I Don't Hate You

You are the trigger that reignites an enmity of adoration and abhorrence in the very fibres of my being.

I don't hate you, on the contrary; it is easier to be angry than to admit I am broken.

The state I am in is one of careless mend, a whole made out of pieces, a volatile kind of stable, a looming sort of combustion that threatens to explode at our every almost-touch.

I don't hate you, N.

Emptiness

I woke up every morning with a sense of emptiness. I can't help but keep scrolling and checking your profile on Instagram and any other places that have information bout you. I can't help but tears keep streaming down my face every time I look at your photos. I can't help but keep thinking bout the memories we once had together.

So, what happened?

A week ago I saw you officially together with another person. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe, I was devastated. You promised me that you would not be in a relationship anytime soon but look where did your promises get you to. The things you said to me just didn't seem to add up. I can't help but to think is it really my fault, is it because of my incompetence that has driven you away? 

When I am alone, I will rewind all the things you said over and over again. You told me you wanted to stay low profile, I did what I could to make you happy, I remain hidden in your life. I did the best that I could to not interfere your social life. You told me you would tell anyone that you were single, so what was the point of being together? Is that your definition of low profile? 

I spent most of the nights thinking bout you. I couldn't help myself but to text you how much I missed you. Yet, you seen my text. 

Sometimes I wonder, is it because of him, you left me?

We Were Once Happy

The term long distance relationship frightens me and millions of memories begin to take shape in my mind again. Ever since the last breakup, I become so doubtful. I was so doubtful to love again because I was afraid that the same things would happen to me again and I have promised to myself that I would never ever let myself get hurt like that ever again. It is not the pain that i would have to endure after each breakup that scares me, it is the betrayal of my trust that scares me.

In the beginning of this year, I met a person who gave me hope and love. In the course of the relationship, I was truly happy and that was all i ever needed in life. I invested so much time, money and most importantly my feelings in this relationship because I knew it would be worth it. After each and every breakup in my life, I became less committed in relationship because I believed that they were all just temporary in my life. So, why bother to care so much after all? However, everything started to change right after I met N. It was a fairytale to me, to have such an amazing person in my life and I said to myself, okay Jason, this is it, the right one has appeared. We started dating and did what most couples would do, we spent the most of the days together and never apart. As days past by, I was so fond of him and the sense of clinginess grew inside me. A day without seeing N would kill me. 

Soon, we had to bid goodbye and separated from each other right after N has successfully completed internship here. The feeling of insecurity stroke me and emotions came flushing in. Why can't I just have a perfect relationship for once? I asked. N promised to call me every night and text me everyday. Most importantly, N promised things would remain just the way it is and told me not to worry. We cried, we cuddled then it was time to say goodbye. I watched N walking further and further away from me and eventually disappeared from my sight. I was all alone again. I drove back home from the airport with tears dropping down my cheek. All these memories came flashing in my mind and I cried even harder. I booked an air ticket to fly over to see N. Yea, call me crazy but that is what you do for love. I flown twice to N and I felt even depressed each time I left. 

In the third month, things started getting out of control. We argued more than we talked. I began checking, over checking and overthinking bout things that I should not be thinking about. I became a person who I despised of, a control freak. I was insecure because I started getting late replies and N even seen my messages as well as disappearing for hours. I freaked out. Each and every time I confronted N bout this matter, N would push me away. All i ever wanted was to solve things out and get things back to the way it should be. N kept running away from problems and eventually the gap between us started to emerge. We were once happy. 

I spent countless nights crying and crying. I forgot what it was like to have a proper sleep. I broke down so badly I started missing classes just because I didn't really have the energy to study anymore. I spent so many hours staring at my phone hoping N would reply my text, but all I got was either some brief texts or just a seen. "What did i do wrong?" I asked myself over and over again I even screamed inside my car and burst into tears. Everyone around me told me to let go and that I would find a better one. The truth is, there is never a better one. I hate how madly in love I was with N, I just could not seem to let go. I just couldn't do it. Our relationship was on and off for a month and last that i checked, things were not any better. 

At 3 am one night, I finally made myself clear that it was time to let go. I drafted everything I wanted to say in my mind and finally decided to put them into words. I sent to N knowing N would not care anyways but I still thought that N would eventually change and love me again. Little did I know, N is just a selfish bastard. I spent so much time to compose a long text but what I got was,

"Let's just end this, Jason."

My heart was shattered into a million pieces.